Thursday, July 15, 2010
CGI Abominations: My bloody valentine (2009)
Take this review for what it’s worth because I quit watching this film half way through. I took in everything I needed to know about what is wrong with horror filmmaking today just from the first half. I have never seen the 1981 original, but I figured out the end twist right away, which leads me to one of the main reasons American remake horror sucks today:
They dumb everything down for you. Like, really down.
The plot twists are dumb. The acting is Jr. High School quality and the effects… my God THE EFFECTS! Let’s just say the effects crew probably moved on to higher things like the SyFy Channel. Seriously, you get inventive kills reduced to laughable CGI cartoonery…
Using CGI in horror films is the equivalent of CGI nudity in porno. It shows lack of creativity and talent. When all you have is a crap remake, and you offer us CGI, we doze off. Some of the worst bad 80’s horror was redeemed with some creative prosthetics or hacked limbs and REAL fake blood. When you have to rely on CGI blood for your horror film, you’re in the wrong business.
Another headache inducing treat this piece of garbage had to offer me was its painfully obvious post production filter treatment. The colors are so washed out to the point of actually being black and white. There was no definition of depth. Outdoor shots were just as flat as the interiors. I kept fighting the urge to adjust my TV. It became unbearable.
Avoid this film at all costs. You are better off bleaching your anus than sitting through this. I tried to use restraint in reviewing this, but it just isn’t gonna happen. Everyone involved with this film needs to actually watch some movies.
Except for Tom Atkins. Why Tom, why?